In a Funk!

Today was/is emotional for me! I am not sure why. Woke up early and did the morning walk and pool work-out. (I did awesome on the walk, especially when compared to last Monday) After breakfast, something just happened. During the circuit trainings, which were upper body, I became emotional. I shed some tears; not enough for anyone to notice, but I just wanted to cry! We had an excruciating training. I don't know if something snapped inside Leif, but he was more than the Devil today.

I think part of my problem is that I am so disgusted with myself that I have gotten the way I am. I have no one to blame for that but myself! I can not even pinpoint how I got this way! I know it was a lot easier getting the weight on than it is taking the weight off. I believe that I self wallow in pity and my escape for that is and has been food! I believe food has been my escape for all of my emotional moods!

I have been thinner in my life! The only problem with that is that I was NEVER healthy. Both times since high school when I got thin was because of self-destructive behaviors. One I will not talk about! The other though I will. For about 12 months I was bulimic. I was in a state of denial. The whole time I worked out for over 2 hours a day; but I feared putting the food into me for fear of not losing weight. I would go through a drive thru and order a lot of food. I would eat it on the way from school (Menomonie) back to Baldwin and by the time I got there I would walk in the house and make myself throw up. It was insane! I don't know why I stopped, I just did! I think I started to have a lot of sore throats. Mentally, I knew it was wrong! I seem to know right from wrong.

I want to be HEALTHY for my kids. My children have NEVER seen their mom healthy! It makes me very sad and very disgusted with myself when I think about that. My kids deserve a mom that is healthy! I am sick of making excuses for my life. It is time to take some responsibility. I just want to be healthy. I don't plan to be skinny (have you ever looked at the size of my thighs or quads) I want to be happy.

I know I am doing a great thing and the road I am on is the right one...I will get out of my funk. I think maybe this is the MENTAL roadblock that O'Neal told us about last week! I also understand the Leif has seen what we can do and he is going to push us to the max. I was really bummed today because Leif made me stay back from the hike! I wasn't bummed, I was outright pissed! I wanted to scream at him and tell him I can do anything! He wanted me to rest my foot because it was really aggravated after the bosu/step training! The whole time doing the cardio and pool (in place of the hike), all I could think about was how pissed I was. I know the 3 hour workout I did was good, I just don't like it when someone tells me that I can't do something! I will get over it though.

I am praying that tomorrow I wake up and my funk will be gone and emotionally I will back in sync. I want to give it my all. Remember if you see my kids; remind them how much I love them and miss them:) You can remind my husband that too, but I know he already knows that!

Until next time, PEACE OUT!