25 years seems like yesterday!

Twenty-five years ago my father passed away.  As a tribute to him, I am going to share a poem I wrote when I was still in high school.  I have shared this with few and found it tucked away in a journal I had.   I thought I could pay a tribute to the man who was everything to me for fifteen years of my life.

Seasons

Autumn leaves falling down,
as I see smoke on the ground.

I wonder if it's a sign of you Dad,
the smoke from your pipe during those

chilly dark nights,
when the leaves crunched at our feet.

Winter snow falling down,
on a cloudy night I see a star.

I wonder if it's a sign of you Dad,
shining bright in the pale moonlight

waiting for the snow to pass and the clouds to clear
 so spring will be near.

Spring rain trembling down,
just like the tears that drown my eyes.

I wonder if it's a sign of you Dad,
showing me your love is near

and telling me it's alright and not to fear. 

Summer sun so bright and hot,
keeping me awake on those restless nights.

I wonder if it's a sign of you Dad,
during those times you couldn't sleep

because the pain was at your feet.
When all you could do was pray

That the seasons wouldn't go away. 

The seasons change and how beautiful they are.

Each one bringing a new day, star, and year;
one without you.

But I know in my heart
you're as near as the words are free...

I love you DAD!

Love, Jenny

Short-term Goal!

Today as I was leaving school I had an idea! Wouldn't it be awesome if I could run the Syttende Mai run with my kids? Now that I am in the same school as them I could have that opportunity. I have not ran this past them yet, as I sure know what they are going to say (NO WAY).

So what will it take for me to meet this goal....lot of hard work and dedication! I think I have what it takes. I have been pretty faithful working out for the past month and a half. I have been getting up at 4:30 a.m., yes I know that would constitute as crazy; but if you know me-that explains a lot:) Now I think what needs to happen is I actually need to get on the treadmill. That is the scariest part!  Why?  Well let me tell you.

My cousin, Chuck, whom I love so much said to me once, "Who do you see on the treadmill, Jenny? Not fat people, skinny people." I was taken aback a little by those words, but you know he is right. The people you see running on the treadmill are not overweight like me. No, overweight people like me play it safe. We ride the bike, do the elliptical...keep it safe. Why? Well when you watch someone that is fit run on a treadmill, you feel a little guilty, that is how I feel! The insecurities seem to come out of me when I think about getting on the treadmill. I do remember a time when I did that and guess what...I was fit then!

Where does that take me now...well I know what I would like to say to my insecurities. Go to H*$#! Words are so much easier said than done. Seeing how Friday is a new month, I think I am going to try my hand at the treadmill! I don't think I am going to tell my kids yet about this goal that I have to run with them. I don't need them to laugh at me and tell me NO!

Well, when Friday comes and goes I will let you know how it went! I have 2 1/2 months to move myself to a walk to a run. Can I do it? We'll see! I set the goal. I do want to prove my husband wrong one of these days. He continues to tell me that I never follow through with anything.  I always start gung-ho on things and then I never finish! That hurts to hear. But, I am starting to think he is right. I need to change that! I started on this journey almost 2 years ago. Psyched myself up, started out strong... plateaued...went down the wrong road and ended up where I started! Back to zero...feeling miserable, full of excuses, and NOT happy about any of it!

Times are a changing!

Until next time, PEACE OUT!

Life took a Detour AGAIN!

Is it that I live in Wisconsin, or is it that I am like a pot hole and self-destructing? Detours, detours, detours....I have taken a detour on my journey and the road back is long and winding!

I was proud of myself at my last post! Now, over a year later....I can not say the same! I think I need to put my words on paper again and find the way back to the highway...the road that will take me to my destination!

I don't know what I need...support, emotional and physical! Words come out so easy...yet to do those things that we say, we must act....

It is now time for me to act!

I will be back and write some more. I am at the computer for Ms. Pollock's Language class and students are blogging, so I decided now is a better time that never! I guess thank you to Ms. Pollock...without students blogging, I probably would have just stayed on the detour and not jumped over the road block!\

Until next time, PEACE OUT!

Made it Half Way to my Goal!

Its been awhile! I hit the 50 pound mark 2 weeks ago and then last week for the 2nd time on this journey; I gained weight. I gained 3.2 pounds last week. Although I was disappointed, I new it would happen because of my choices. But this week I lost 5.6 pounds to put my total weight loss at 52.6......YEAH!

This is the last week of play rehearsals as the play is next weekend! Then I will be fully back on track with a well rounded plan. I have found it really hard not to have a strong support system. But, I guess if I had the support system; I probably wouldn't reach out anyway. I find it much easier to write down what I am feeling and what is really going on. I think because I don't have to listen to anyone tell me what I am doing wrong....because I already know!

The other day, one my my colleagues said she was going to challenge me.  I said, "OK"! She said, "When someone gives you a compliment, say THANK YOU and smile."  I guess that is really hard for me to do.  Because someone can tell me I look really good and I want to say, "Are you frickin kidding me.....I am still severely obese!" I do try to smile. I know that what I have done already is a huge step in the right direction on my journey.  I lost over 50 pounds!  I have not exercised consistently and very minimally the last month. It really goes to prove that what you eat really matters. So back to the challenge.  I am going to work on just saying Thank You and smiling!  I do appreciate when people tell me good things!

Speaking of the play....I am having a blast! It is so much fun with the cast (Bonnie, Paula and Don) and with Char and Nancy!  If anyone really needs a good belly laugh you need to come and see the play next weekend! I really enjoy doing this! I like to pretend to be someone else! Like my bumper sticker says; some days all I want to be is a missing person!  I am afraid that maybe my kids would miss me:)

I am going to talk a little about family!  Last weekend one of my nieces told me that forgiveness is the way to go.  I had a great time visiting with 3 of my nieces (Danielle, Kayla, Bailey) and great niece (Brya) and sister, Jill and mom! This week I said a lot of prayers.....prayers of forgiving myself for being so judgmental! Life is too short!  Anyway.....I really miss my sister!  Not going into any details; but the other day I was thinking; who am I going to make Christmas cookies with? Ela asked me the same thing; since Aunt Joy won't be around we won't have any Christmas cookies!  That sunk in!  I had a feeling of sadness!  My favorite time of year and I have really enjoyed the last few years when we have made that a tradition! Why do we have such strong emotions when we get older? Why can't we forgive and forget in our later years; when we know how much life matters and how short it is? It sucks to be so strong headed!  Thanks mom and dad for that one!

Well, good luck tonight to my Vikings......take the Bears down!

Until Next Time, PEACE OUT!

What is Self-Destruction?

Self-destruction is the life I once lived and a life that is so easy to revert back to! I know sometimes that my "genetics" come into play in my life. I believe I have some psychosis in me....I can laugh about it and make jokes; but in all sincerity....it is real! I have an addictive personality. I turned to food after years of self-destructive behaviors; and the food ended up being worse for me. I have always told myself that I wish I could become addicted to something healthy; like exercise!

Last week, I reverted back to what I call self-destructive behavior(s).  I only did it once and really want to believe that I will NOT do it again.  I ate some chips last Thursday and something else that I can't even remember. I was dressed to go and workout at the Snap Fitness in River Falls. I was mad at myself and decided to go to Burger King (psychosis). I went into Burger King knowing that whatever I was going to eat I was going to just throw up!  That I did.  When I finished eating at Burger King (which it doesn't even matter what I ate) I went to Shopko and walked right back to the bathrooms where I hurled....I threw every thing up...even my breakfast!  Of course, I felt guilty, ashamed, angry and disappointed.  I never went and worked out and went straight home and went to bed.

I was able to lose weight last week and ended the week with a total of 49.2 pounds lost.  This week I have been on a yo-yo.  I have not exercised and I have slacked on my eating.  I am so frustrated with myself because I know what I need to do and I know when I make the "bad" choices that it is BAD and not on my plan for health...but I am not joking when my brain over talks my mind into doing something.  I don't want to weigh in tomorrow morning; but I will.  I don't think I will hit my 50 pound mark because of my bad choices.  I will keep moving forward. I am never going to turn around!  It is just so hard and difficult at times to make the good choice when the bad is the easiest one to make.  I am not going to make excuses and say how busy I am; because that is a choice that I have made for myself. I decided to be in the Community Theatre Play again this fall and it takes a lot of time.  I like to be busy!  I am doing the play for myself. I could make 100 excuses; but excuses don't make things right....only making the right choice makes it right!

I keep telling myself that if this was easy....I would have done it years ago.  Keep the challenge coming...I'm still up for it!

Until Next Time.....PEACE OUT!

"I Don't Want to Weigh In"

That is how I was feeling yesterday.  I didn't weigh in because I was in the Dells and didn't have a scale. I knew that I needed to get on the scale this morning. I was prepared for a gain this week. Why? Well I had a bad week physically and emotionally.

I was so excited after my 4 pound loss last week and ready to start another great week. Monday was Labor day; but I did really well. Tuesday came and I got a really bad headache; which turned in to an all out Migraine.  If you have never had a migraine; I will tell you that I would not wish it on my worst enemy! They are so debilitating. I was too busy during the day when the headache started that I never had time to take anything right away. By the time I got home on Tuesday night at 9:00 p.m.; the Migraine was out of control. If you know what it is like to wring out a wash cloth to get all the water out...that is what the inside of my head feels like when I have a migraine.  It feels like someone is twisting everything inside my head and making my head pulsate...Not only that but I can't stand the lights and I get very nauseated. When I get nauseated; I know that it is too late. I ended up in the ER...I am not going to go into details about my ER visit; because it was not one of my most memorable ones.  So you know, I can't do narcotics when I have a migraine and that makes them harder to get rid of. I was frustrated after my long visit that I ended up walking home!

It is almost a week later and I still have a nagging headache.  I do not know what is going on, but I keep clenching my teeth; which is NEVER a good sign...at one point I could say that my migraines were due to lack of sleep, too much caffeine, not enough water or hormonal....But I can not pinpoint my headaches to anything right now.  I will say that I was getting a bad headache tonight; but I did go and work out for 30 minutes (stair climber) and I do feel somewhat better.

Anyway, another reason I didn't want to weigh in was because along with an ER visit and an IV; I only exercised two days last week....It is too hard right now to get up at 4:00 a.m. because I have a problem getting to bed early enough!

When I did weigh in this morning I was really shocked! I lost 2.2 pounds this past week.  I am very happy.  I am down a total of 47 pounds:) I decided last night that I need to prepare better this week and that I did. I have all my food ready for the whole entire week. Krzysztof made me fresh beets..yum, yum, yum! I am set for another successful week. I will  NOT let my headaches, stomach pain (yes it is still there and I haven't done sit-ups in a month) or my busy schedule hold me back from my JOURNEY to health! I will get over, crawl under or go around ANY hurdle that comes before me; even if I fall down first!

Until Next Time, PEACE OUT!

What do you do if you don't meet your Goal?

I had set a goal for myself and as soon as I did that; I wondered if it was realistic.  Well I did not get to 50 pound loss by the first day of school. But I am down 44.8 pounds at the end of my first week of school. I think it would be easy for you to figure out that the last two weeks didn't go to well. I didn't gain any weight; but I only lost 1.2 pounds during 2 weeks. I know now that it is GREAT...any loss is the way I want to go and closer to my journey to a healthy life.  At the time...I was frustrated and felt like I was not being successful. Once again, I went into a mental funk!  Eating cookies, chips....etc! Last Sunday evening I told myself that I need to stay on track and any weight loss is a loss! I promised to follow the plan!

I followed the plan this week; as far as food goes! I lost 4 pounds:) I only exercised 3 out of my 6 days; but I am not getting discouraged. I am still moving forward! My plan and goal for next week:  Stick to the plan and do my best to meet my physical goal.

Speaking of physical; Yes, I am still having issues with my stomach! My CT scan came back negative so that is great news....but pain is still persistent. My husband believes that it is structural and thinks I should go see a chiropractor and get an adjustment. I believe there is something structurally out of whack for me since Monday I ran 3.1 miles on the Treadmill and couldn't even walk afterwards, not just my foot but my hip hurt so bad:(  I will keep my options open and see where my pain takes me next...but don't worry about me!

I took my husband out for his birthday on Friday night, he turned 39. We went to The Nova in downtown Hudson.  The place is amazing! When we left Krzysztof said we needed to stop at the grocery store. Of course, I had just went to the grocery store and asked him what he needed. He replied that he needed to show me something! After some discussion, I stopped at County Market. Krzysztof grabbed a basket and we headed back to the dairy section. He stops by the butter and I said, "Krzysztof we are NOT buying butter here, oh my god, it is on sale at Nielsen's." He never responded the whole time I am ranting about not buying butter or how much it cost and asking him what he would need all that butter for. He asked my what 12 x 3 was and I responded 36. He took a whole case of butter and placed it in the basket and grabbed 4 more pounds of butter. I wanted to swear at him because he was clearly not listening to me that it was on sale in Baldwin. The he says, "Pick it up!" I responded with a why? He said, "Pick it up, NOW....this is my birthday present, Forty pounds lighter....I couldn't ask for anything else."  He gave me a hug.  I wanted to cry but I was standing in the dairy section of a grocery store! I just kind of laughed and told him he was such a DORK!

I am grateful that he showed me that....to feel how much that weighs and to see 40 pounds of butter sitting on the floor in front of me kind of put things into perspective.....because there is still a lot more than 40 pounds of "butter" that needs to leave my body! I love my husband!

School started and will be a challenging year!  Bring it on.....I love a challenge!

To answer my title question; What do you do if you don't meet your Goal? Keep going...don't stop! Set a realistic goal; but always keep a goal far out of reach where you have to really work for it! If it isn't challenging; it isn't worth it!

Failing to Plan is Planning to Fail!

Until Next Time, PEACE OUT!