Self-destruction is the life I once lived and a life that is so easy to revert back to! I know sometimes that my "genetics" come into play in my life. I believe I have some psychosis in me....I can laugh about it and make jokes; but in all sincerity....it is real! I have an addictive personality. I turned to food after years of self-destructive behaviors; and the food ended up being worse for me. I have always told myself that I wish I could become addicted to something healthy; like exercise!
Last week, I reverted back to what I call self-destructive behavior(s). I only did it once and really want to believe that I will NOT do it again. I ate some chips last Thursday and something else that I can't even remember. I was dressed to go and workout at the Snap Fitness in River Falls. I was mad at myself and decided to go to Burger King (psychosis). I went into Burger King knowing that whatever I was going to eat I was going to just throw up! That I did. When I finished eating at Burger King (which it doesn't even matter what I ate) I went to Shopko and walked right back to the bathrooms where I hurled....I threw every thing up...even my breakfast! Of course, I felt guilty, ashamed, angry and disappointed. I never went and worked out and went straight home and went to bed.
I was able to lose weight last week and ended the week with a total of 49.2 pounds lost. This week I have been on a yo-yo. I have not exercised and I have slacked on my eating. I am so frustrated with myself because I know what I need to do and I know when I make the "bad" choices that it is BAD and not on my plan for health...but I am not joking when my brain over talks my mind into doing something. I don't want to weigh in tomorrow morning; but I will. I don't think I will hit my 50 pound mark because of my bad choices. I will keep moving forward. I am never going to turn around! It is just so hard and difficult at times to make the good choice when the bad is the easiest one to make. I am not going to make excuses and say how busy I am; because that is a choice that I have made for myself. I decided to be in the Community Theatre Play again this fall and it takes a lot of time. I like to be busy! I am doing the play for myself. I could make 100 excuses; but excuses don't make things right....only making the right choice makes it right!
I keep telling myself that if this was easy....I would have done it years ago. Keep the challenge coming...I'm still up for it!
Until Next Time.....PEACE OUT!
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